As a former English/Language Arts and speech communications/drama teacher, one of my favorite lessons to teach focused on the tone of the sender. My example to start the lesson was one that kids and adults can resonate with, a simple statement- "I didn't say you were wrong." I would say this sentence over and over, emphasizing a different word each time, beginning with "I" and working through the end. Each time the emphasis was changed, the meaning of the sentence changed causing the message to be interpreted differently by the receiver.
Too often in relationships, whether personal or professional, we slip up with tonal mistakes. We let emotion or laziness dictate how our message is received because we do not pay attention to how we are sending our message to the receivers. Think of the last disagreement you had with someone. It is difficult to recall the words we may have said but it is likely easier to remember how the words were said to you. This, in fact, may have caused the disagreement in the first place. How you say something is as important as what you are saying.
As an educational leader and often the person parents approach with an idea or concern, my tone in responding can make or break a relationship with a stakeholder. When an idea is brought to me, I like to talk with the person making the suggestion in order to think through the many parts. If I am dismissive, even unintentionally, in the initial response, "What made you think of this?" the likelihood of anything fruitful coming from the discussion is limited. Tone dictates where your conversation goes.
In observing classroom instruction, I carry may laptop, even on walkthroughs and email the teacher shortly after leaving the classroom. Luckily, I am blessed with excellent teachers. I typically give feedback regarding what I saw and ask some questions. Email is an especially tricky realm to interpret because your message is read in the receiver's mind. What you may have intended as a joke comes off as an insult. WHEN YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS- PEOPLE ASSUME YOU'RE SHOUTING AT THEM. Even if you are just trying to draw attention to something...or your keys are, for whatever reason, stuck on caps lock. If I email a teacher and ask a straightforward question, "What was your lesson about?" It could be interpreted that I thought her lesson was without focus. Instead, I might ask, "What learning targets were you hoping to meet?" This shifts from a critique of the teacher to a question about curriculum. The need to be defensive is lessened and the real answer I am looking for, regarding content standards, is the focus.
You can't guarantee that your message is always received the way you intended. However, by focusing on the way you say something, the chances of it being misinterpreted, particularly in a tense situation, will be lessened. If a policy change is on the horizon- focus on the benefits of the change rather than all the problems with the way things are now. Help others to understand your thoughts with clear and positive tone, alleviating misunderstanding and misguided anger or confusion.
